Growing Up, Gearing Up

Never have a I felt more proud of myself or more lonely than I have going through the process of buying my first home. I'm so excited to be buying my first place at 28, on my own; with no financial help from parents, husband, or friends. This is something I thought would come when I was in my 30's with a husband or at least a fiance. But I am so incredibly proud of myself that I don't need any of that to do such a big thing, I am enough all on my own. The flip side of that is that it reminds me that I am on my own. Of course I have my incredible family and friends who are there for me whenever I need them, but at the end of the day I have to take care of myself. It's been that way for 6 years now and I have gotten pretty use to it. I feel comfortable crawling into bed by myself, paying all the bills on my own, not checking with someone else to see what their plans or opinions are. But now I'm starting to think it would be nice to share those responsibilites and the challenges.

As anyone who has been hurt in the past I started to put a wall up, and with each passing year I feel like its getting taller and taller. There have been a few who have knocked down a few bricks here and there but no one who's even comes close to bulldozing it down. I don't want to settle for less than I deserve but at this point I don't even give anyone a chance to prove themself; at the first sight of trouble I'm out of there quicker than Carl Lewis in the '92 Olympics! It's not that I think I'm too good for any of them, its just that I don't want to waste either of our time if its just not going to work in the end. But of course that's pretty bold of me to think I know so much about someone after not knowing them for very long.

Overall I am hoping this home and my move up to the Bay is a fresh start for me, with a chance to settle down for once in my life and build my own little place in the world. And maybe, just maybe I will find someone who fits me enough to make it our place in the world.

Things I'll Miss About St. Louis

So it's t-minus one month untill I move from St. Louis back to California, and I am so incredibly happy to be moving home. When I moved here I never thought I would stay past a few years, I always new that I would make my permanent place in the world back in California. But I never thought that I would make such a great life for myself in St. Louis. It's not that I regret my decision to move back, or even that I am rethinking it; but there are so many things that I will miss about this place.

Today while at dinner with my family I saw this group of four women in their late 50's early 60's. They all had leis on and one had a ballon that said "Happy Birthday". As we walked by them I turned to my sister and said, "I hope I have that when I'm old". She said, with no pause, "you have that here, now but you are leaving them" and then she laughed. I realized that I do, and it made me sad. I have a great group of friends here and I can't remember the last time I had that. I've always had one or two best friends but never a solid group. So in honor of them I am making my "What I will miss about St. Louis" list!

1) My friends (Especially Jenn and Steph, you guys are my Samantha and Charolette!)
2) Low rent: I only pay $550 for my HUGE 1 bedroom
3) My job: I love where I work no matter how frustrating it is
4) Quick Trip: The world's BEST gas station, with crushed ice and about 20 different sodas
5) Bao mi Sao: The best spring rolls I have ever had!
6) Kickball in Tower Grove Park: At least I have found a league to join in San Fran
7) Emily's skills: The best hairdresser I have ever had, my hair will not look as good without her!
8) STL Police: They are too busy catching rapists and murders to ever give tickets
9) Architecture: Everything here is made out of brick, its beautiful
10) Snow: Not ice but snow, it just makes it feel more like winter
11) Irish pubs: Never been somewhere outside of the UK that has so many
12) Parks: STL has some of the most beautiful parks in the country
13) Mardi Gras: Second biggest in the country
14) Hoosiers: For the rest of you that's white trash, there is so many here to make fun of!
15) City Diner: Open 24 hours and great after a drunken night
16) Hartford Cafe: A block away, great coffee, local musicians, welcoming staff
17) Vintage Habardash: Always has the cutest vintage accessories
18) Have I said my friends... because that is what I will miss the most!

I am still so incredibly excited to move and be close to my family and all my Cali friends I was so sad to leave two years ago; but I am now realizing that the place I use to make so much fun of is really not such a bad place to live. I'll miss you STL, but Cali I'm coming home!

A life list???

So I am attempting this blog thing, even though I'm not quit sure if anyone cares too much about what I have to say. But why the hell not? If people find some kind of interest in reading the day to day ramblings of a sligthly nuerotic and confused twenty-something then great, if not then maybe one day you will smarten up and understand the correlation between my wisdom and that of Gandhi!

So my first online task is to develop a list of things I want to do before I die. I know it sounds cliche but after seeing the passing of my grandma this week I have a new found disregard for my fears of "what if" or "i'm not sure". Well fuck "what if" and "i'm not sure"! What have they ever gotten me except for a bunch of regrets and lost opportunities. I've decided to do this blog as a journal to creating and fufilling my life list. So let me know if you have any suggestions, any suggestions would be appreciated!

Peace Out,
Angela