Growing Up, Gearing Up

Never have a I felt more proud of myself or more lonely than I have going through the process of buying my first home. I'm so excited to be buying my first place at 28, on my own; with no financial help from parents, husband, or friends. This is something I thought would come when I was in my 30's with a husband or at least a fiance. But I am so incredibly proud of myself that I don't need any of that to do such a big thing, I am enough all on my own. The flip side of that is that it reminds me that I am on my own. Of course I have my incredible family and friends who are there for me whenever I need them, but at the end of the day I have to take care of myself. It's been that way for 6 years now and I have gotten pretty use to it. I feel comfortable crawling into bed by myself, paying all the bills on my own, not checking with someone else to see what their plans or opinions are. But now I'm starting to think it would be nice to share those responsibilites and the challenges.

As anyone who has been hurt in the past I started to put a wall up, and with each passing year I feel like its getting taller and taller. There have been a few who have knocked down a few bricks here and there but no one who's even comes close to bulldozing it down. I don't want to settle for less than I deserve but at this point I don't even give anyone a chance to prove themself; at the first sight of trouble I'm out of there quicker than Carl Lewis in the '92 Olympics! It's not that I think I'm too good for any of them, its just that I don't want to waste either of our time if its just not going to work in the end. But of course that's pretty bold of me to think I know so much about someone after not knowing them for very long.

Overall I am hoping this home and my move up to the Bay is a fresh start for me, with a chance to settle down for once in my life and build my own little place in the world. And maybe, just maybe I will find someone who fits me enough to make it our place in the world.